I was at home with too much energy asking for movement. I could not find anyone to go out with, so I decided to go alone to Angered Arena, an enormous building with all kinds of activities. I had a certain reservation, a tightness in my chest, some distrust, but there was also a strong call to experience something unknown, exactly that discomfort that had appeared in me. Being someone who is usually cold, I took a shower and went into the sauna. After only two or three minutes I suddenly felt my body relaxing. I was smiling and aware of the release of every muscle in me. The relaxation that settled inside made me breathe slower and deeper. I felt the air I drew into my chest warming my interior. If I had died in that moment, I would have been completely satisfied. A sensation of memory appeared in the body. For so many years I said I wanted to leave Sweden because there was no sun, when in fact it was about the comfort of warmth. It felt as if I was crying from pleasure, that is how something inside me felt. The movement of people outside the sauna room then caught my attention, so I allowed the body to simply be and it felt as if I stepped into another world. Playfulness appeared, a smile, watching those who were at the showers. One child was dancing, another was crying, another was carefully watching the others. Then my attention was drawn to some naked female bodies. At first I was shocked, I had never really looked at a naked body before, truly looked at it. Usually it is something awkward or something sexual when we do that. Now it was simply a body, a form. I felt my breathing relax and shift from shallow breathing in the chest to a relaxed movement coming from the belly. My belly was now larger and softer. My whole life I had the idea that I should not look like I had a little belly, yet it was exactly the same as before, only now I no longer felt that it was being held tight. I took my towel and went to the pool. I was very determined, but without a clear intention. I entered the water and felt it as something touching me, fluid and at the same time perfectly moving along the shape of my body. There was no sensation of warm or cold, there was simply the sensation of touch without a label. I stood in a corner, a little shy, and decided to breathe for a moment because I had already gone through so much. Having real past fears with water, I now felt in a zone of peace with it. We are not friends, but it is ok, I am here. Slowly I started to feel how the muscles tighten when I move my legs through the water, how the water itself creates waves along my body as if responding that it is there. My body was still tense, there was still a quiet layer of fear. My gaze moved around and with it the experience changed. I enjoyed the joyful screams of the children, I felt another child's fear and also his curiosity. I felt the pride of a father teaching his daughter how to dive. I felt so many things that I suddenly found myself in childhood, in memories, in my own past experiences. I felt the freedom to be. Then I let out a long sigh and with it everything I had held inside for so many years seemed to leave as well. I gently let myself sink into the water and made peace with it, thanking it for being there. I promised myself that I would return.
I then went to the store, to ICA. I felt the need to keep the movement going. Suddenly the sounds became extremely clear, all at once, and the feeling of discomfort appeared again. Instead of putting my headphones on, I told myself that I could accept the discomfort and try to understand it. Slowly my senses began to alternate at their maximum, hearing, smell, touch, taste, and time itself seemed to disappear. Because it had already happened three times that I reached this point, I decided to finish my shopping and leave, so I would not look like a strange person enjoying stillness in the middle of the store. I was now equipped with a bag full of different sweets, flavors that I started tasting even before leaving the store. Savoring everything that appeared on my tongue, I slowly stepped toward the next shop. I was too fascinated by the flavors in my mouth to notice what was happening around me. It felt as if I was in another world than the people around me. I was in my sweet trance.
And as I was walking slowly in my own world, I passed by a second hand store. Well, the people here had been very inventive and had sorted the clothes by colors. I felt like a firefly drawn to the light. The bag of sweets disappeared into a pocket. When I arrived in front of the orange clothes, I could almost feel them on me already. Each color was another flavor. I touched them all, but then I realized I had been carried away by the moment. I took a deep breath and began going through them one by one. Every shade of orange, another flavor, another pleasure. I do not know how long this little indulgence of mine lasted, but when I noticed there were people around me, I put a few little clothes into my basket and stepped toward another section. I went through them one by one. I held myself back from touching them, but the shapes had now become my new attraction. Then I reached the green section, the green corner. Here another chapter began. Each little piece of clothing took me into another story. I was there and there. I felt this and that. I woke up when someone came and gently told me, we close in five minutes. I left the basket full of colorful little clothes at the register and told them I would come back the next day.
As I walked out of the store, I was trying to understand what had just happened, but after only a few steps I passed another shop and suddenly found myself traveling into the world of perfumes. I walked out of there as well with a few scents in my arms. I told myself, that’s it, I’m going home. I did not even finish that decision in my head when suddenly I felt hungry. I was standing in front of what I think was a Turkish restaurant. I ordered something and then sat at a table, watching the bustle around me. My attention suddenly jumped to a certain person, the one preparing my food. He was a tall man, slim, a little fragile in his body, but very sure in his movements, and something made him more present than the others around him. He lifted his eyes and seemed surprised that I was staring at him. He smiled and gestured for me to come closer. He said something, and then something else, I did not catch the words. His face was smiling. He handed me the bag with my food and I felt as if he had given me love. I suppose I mumbled something as well, and then I left, almost dancing.
Walking out of there with my head up, I began to look people in the eyes. The feeling of discomfort appeared again. It was burning inside me. I felt that when someone looked into my eyes they could see inside me, they could see what I was feeling. I was surprised by how many people actually look others in the eyes, I who had always avoided this. The discomfort was still present. I continued to look at everyone around me, but I walked toward my car.
My conclusion:
After a lot of suffering and the shocks I received, my system shut down its sensors to protect me. For years I then lived only in my mind, in analysis, in introspection.
When the mind became quiet and the body began to relax, the sensors that had once fallen asleep slowly started to open again. Everything began with a sauna, at the right moment. After that, everything was perceived as new, as if I had just been born and was discovering the world.
In the end, reality is wherever we place our attention. When all the senses are open and in harmony, the magic of the moment appears. With such a full presence, there are no other needs. Whatever comes is already perceived as experience. Waiting, hope, desires and projections begin to fade and dissolve. And with them, dissatisfaction, insecurity and suffering fade as well.
continue writing.